Sunday, June 12, 2011

168. IF I STAY

Gayle Forman 2009

Another YA book I thoroughly enjoyed, a book so simple and yet so capable of exploring bittersweet emotions. Mia is a seventeen year old gifted cellist who is the lone survivor of a tragic accident that kills her entire family.  She sees herself in a coma and on death's bed. She recalls touching scenes and memories of her musical family, her loving parents and her brother Teddy. She sees her family, friends, and her boyfriend Adam's grief as they realize the uncertainty that they might also lose her. And she is faced with the decision: to fight to stay, or to let go.

'Everyone thinks it was because of the snow. And in a way, I suppose that's true. '(opening lines)

'Just like the Shooting Star's meteoric rise, my admission to Juilliard -- if it happens -- will create certain complications, or, more accurately, would compound the complications that have already cropped up in the last few months.'(6-7)

"I've never seen anyone get as into music as you do. It's why I like to watch you practice. You get the cutest crease in your forehead, right there." Adam said, touching me above the bridge of my nose. "I'm obsessed with music and even I don't get transported like you do."(33)

'And it's while contemplating this that I think about what the nurse said. She's running the show. And suddenly I understand what Gramps was really asking Gran. He had listened to that nurse, too . He got it before I did.
If I stay. If I live. It's up to me.'(73)

'My aversion to Adam's shows had nothing to do with music or groupies or envy. It had to do with the doubts. The same niggling doubts I always had about not belonging. I didn't feel like I belonged with Adam, except unlike my family, who was stuck with me, Adam had chosen me, and this I didn't understand. Why had he fallen for me? It didn't make sense. I knew it was music that brought us together in the first place, put us in the same space so we could even get to know each other. And I knew that Adam liked how into music I was. And that he dug my sense of humor, "so dark you almost miss it," he said. And, speaking of dark, I knew he had a thing for dark-haired girls because all of his girlfriends had been brunettes. And I knew that when it was the two of us alone together, we could talk for hours, or sit reading side by side for hours, each one plugged into our own iPod, and still feel completely together. I understood all that in my head, but I still didn't believe it in my heart. When I was with Adam, I felt picked, chosen, special, and that just made me wonder why me? even more.'(78)

'Kim and I have this theory that almost everything in the world can be divided into two groups.
There are people who like classical music. People who like pop. There are city people. And country people. Coke drinkers. Pepsi drinkers. There are conformists and free-thinkers. Virgins and nonvirgins. And there are the kind of girls who have boyfriends in high school, and the kind of girls who don't.'(90-91)

'Kim looked at my red and teary face and her expression softened into a gentle smile. "We know that, Mia. But we're from different parts of your life, just like music and me are from different parts of your life. And that's fine. You don't have to choose one or the other, at least not as far as I'm concerned."'(97)

'I don't know exactly what's happened to me, and for the first time today, I don't really care. I shouldn't have to work this hard. I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard.'(146)

'Gramps doesn't wipe his face or blow his nose. He just lets the tears fall where they may...
"It's okay," he tells me. "If you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my life."... "But that's what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's okay if you have to leave us. It's okay if you have to stop fighting.'(151-152)

'Dad's lyrics were not just rhymes. They were something else. There was one song in particular called "Waiting for Vengeance" that I listened to it so much that I started singing it to myself without even realizing it....
Well, what was that?
What's that sound that I hear?
It's just my lifetime
It's just whistling past my ear
And when I look back
Everything seems smaller than life
The way it's been for so long
Since last night...'(158)

'Adam is mumbling something now. In a low voice. Over and over he is saying: Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please Please. Please. Please. Finally he stops and looks at my face. "Please, Mia," he implores. "Don't make me write a song."'(165-166)

"Just listen," he says with a voice that sounds like shrapnel.
I open my eyes wide now. I sit up as much as I can. And I listen.
"Stay." With that one word, Adam's voice catches, but he swallows the emotion and pushes forward.'(192)

'It is Yo-Yo-Ma playing. Andante con poco e moto rubato. The low piano plays almost as it in warning. In comes the cello, like a heart bleeding. And it's like something inside of me implodes.'(193-194)

Dutton Books Edition
196 pages
Book borrowed from the library
Book qualifies for: 100+ Reading Challenge

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